Just Holding On.

So I am basically just holding on. To nothing it feels the like.
Twenty-five days. Thats all I have left down here in Ontario.
The day I leave my friends.
The day I leave my home.
The day I leave my life.
The day I leave my love.
The day...
I start really learning what it means...
to trust God.

Yours Forever More.

I've always found a way to push you to the side

Never wanted to ask you for help

Just always blamed you for every little thing

After every thing I've gone through and all the times I tried to die

I never wanted to ask for helpI always just blamed you never asked for forgiveness

Never wanted anything but to be wholeAnd all I had to do was ask you

Ask you to make me whole

To fix me completely

And now God I just hope its not to late

Not to late to ask will you take meTake me back and this time forever

Not just for a little while but for good

Take my heart and soul

Cause I want to be forever yours

You always have your arms wide open

You know the deepest thoughts of me

Know where I am in life

And God its not that pretty

That's why I need you to help me

I'm asking you tonight

Will you take me back

Take me back in your arms forever

Cause I can't do it aloneAnd Satan has gotten to me

Gotten to me so many timesSick and tired of him

Making me think that I'm in pain forever

Cause God with you I'm forever in happiness

Sick and tired of Satan pulling me under

Pulling me to the deepest darkest hole

Where all I wanted to do was die

Crawl up in a ball and cry myself a river

And he made me believe that cutting was my addiction

Cause God you should be that addiction and not harming myself

You are the hope inside of me and God I pushed you awayI'm asking you here tonight

God please will you take me back and I know you will

But I want to stayI'm forever yours forever and always

And I know I'm here for a reasonI'm not a quitter

I'm not gonna let Satan make me lose

Cause I hate losingI've turned my back on you a million times

And you still take me back anywaysT

he love and patience you have is indescribable

Incredible its incredible what you do

And forever and always I'm glad that I can be yours forever more.

Nothing To Loose.

I still remember it like it was yesturday.The way you stormed into my house and acted as if it was safe..You must have been watching my house for hours counting in my driveway..Moms gone, Dads gone, Brother and Sisters have left.You knew I was alone, you knew you could find a way inside.I remember humming to myself the tune to this romance.

I'd finally thought it was over.. between me and you.Actually there was NEVER a me and you..I told you that,Did you think i was kidding!?I thought i'd be afraid when i saw you standing there in the dark.You stared at me so longingly.. the fire in your sinful eyes flared.I could see you, eyeing me up and down.Why wasnt i afraid? When i knew you werent suppose to be there. I didnt scream when you pushed me against the wall.Flattening me with your body.Nor did i cry out when you held my wrists tightly above my head.The blow to my stomach didnt hurt half as bad as the kiss.There was no love in the way your lips touched mine. You wanted me that was all. Every piece of me you threatened with your dirty filthy hands.All i could think was please God not again!I tried my best to push you away to unlock your lips from mine...Why did you have to be so strong.

You laughed in my face when you felt my body trembling.I tried so hard not to cry.. to not show you how much you were hurting me.When i screamed out for help you laughed again..but when i cried out for **HIS** name.. you stopped.For only a moment but i felt your body freeze.I knew that you hated him.. knew you wanted to kill him.Well he wanted to kill you to.. for hurting me the way you were.If he only knew, knew how bad it was.If i could only tell him how often you had come... how much you had stolen from me. You screamed at me to tell you his name..I loved him. I wouldnt allow you to hurt him.

Did you think i was stupid!?HE had my heart what more could YOU take from me?You told me to forget him, said that i was YOURS alone.I glared at you, "NEVER!"So again you hit me.. this time hard across my face.I could feel the hand print and knew that it would bruise.It hurt so bad.. i couldnt hold in the tears. As i cried I fell to the floor and you allowed my body to fall..I knew it made you happy when i was down by your feet.

You thought that was where i belonged.For one second i thought i could do it...Thought that maybe if i pulled on your leg hard enough you would fall also.I tried my best but your weight and balance overpowered mine.You kicked me hard in the stomach it took all i had to hold the blood down from my mouth.

With one last kiss you kissed my cold lips, i fought you no more.As you left you screamed out to me, "If he loved you...where is your protector now?"And with that you left..thinking you took another piece of me with you.

Well you were wrong.Maybe he wasnt here to protect me...but i know he would NEVER hurt me.Maybe he wasnt the one who got to kiss meBut if he did... does it hurt to know i'd kiss HIM back? You are nothing. You are scum. Im afraid of you no longer. You've taken parts of me but this time its the end. You no longer hold my heart in your hands.

I'm Moving On.

No matter how many times I sit at this window..I know that whether I am here or not..

The sun will continue to rise and set..with or without my persuation.I wonder if at the beginning of time,my fragile almost glassy like lake was here or not.Or whether in the very end it will still be in existance.

People come... people go...still i sit here watching this frozen picture,through my glass window.There are people around me, yet their voices are at yet a distant world...far from my own.The snow sparkles and glistens under the stillness of the sun.The sky blue and snow white atmosphere surrounds me,and yet I can think of nothing but the days to come.The fire red bird comes back and fourth...He has found security in what is my home.What... "was" my home.

What is home anymore?They say its where family is.Well my family consists of more than just blood realitives. But neither them, nor my blood family is here..So i sit alone. Looking at this lonely world before me,love seems to almost have disappeared from this place,yet something holds me back.This non-existant rope tied around my throat... keeps me hanging,keeps me stationed here.

But like all things, it must come to an end.I know however that my God has a plan.And he will cut my rope from this place..He will take away the ache and seperate my heart from here.After the rope has been cut I will fall..and fall....and fall...as I look back, this house, this lake will still be here.Except with someone elses future.Not mine in its midst.

My journey... my destiny lies far from this place.And I will pick up my sword and my shield.And I will follow my King... to the end. I will follow Him and do what He asks.I will be a hope in this new land.I will shine as bright as I can...and watch as these angels fly before me.I will not be afraid... for I know my King is Undefeatable.He will strike down these earthly Kings with but a whisper.And me and my family...me and my friends...me and my people...will Finally fly home.

You.

You see the thing about love is it catches you off guard. I met a boy and he has taken my heart and put it between his hands. He has taken it and molded it into something I never thought it could be. A shape, I never new existed. A hope I never thought I'd find. A life I never thought I'd live.

Truth be told, I dont know who I would be without Him. I dont know where I would be or what I would be doing. He has flung himself into my life without secrecy. He was not quiet about it nor did he try to hide it. He simply ran in, picked me up in His arms and literally swept me off my feet.

I thought love was dead.

I thought chivalry was a joke.

I thought passion had disappeared.

I thought life was a game.

I thought I was a pawn.

I thought my heart was broken.

I thought you we're a liar.

I thought beauty was a trick.

I thought hope was overrated.

I thought you were impossible.

You arent. Your real standing infront of me prooving that love is alive. And chivalry is anything but a joke. Passion is truth and life is an amazing oppertunity. I am Queen and my heart is strong and alive. You told me the truth, you showed me what the definition of hope was and you showed me that you were simply real. And that has been and will always be more than enough for me.

I love you with all my heart. It overwhelms me, it captivates me, but most of all it allows me to realize that I just "am". God has given me a miracle and that miracle has changed my life forever. Before I met you my eyes were open but they were still blind. How could you have done what you have done. Taken away my fear and showed me life in all its glory, all its splender, all its majesty.

Andrew my love, you are all I have asked for and more. You understand me even when I dont understand myself. You forgive me and challenge me. You never underestimate me and God has granted me the one prayer I have prayed for my entire life. You.

Another Day.

Another day, another dime. Not.

I am so broke it is becoming rediculous. How in the world am I ever going to get the money to come home and visit on vacations! I was suppose to go in today to train at the Ice cream store where Tessa works, just so that I can have a bit of cash before i leave. But then I couldnt because I had play practise. Which I have had every day this week and I am so bloody exhausted.

My last play at Stouffville High. Wow, this move is really starting to hit me. I love acting expecially with the people i care about. I cant imagine acting next year and feeling as comfertable as i do right now... with a bunch of strangers.

Yesturday was Mothers Day and my sisters and my mother and I went down to a church in Toronto called The Peoples Church. One of my moms friends was speaking there (her husband is the pastor) honestly the service was one of the best that i'd heard in a long time. The mentally ill group at the church has a choir that is called The New Revolution Choir. And they sung live and it was the sweetest most beautiful thing I have ever seen. These people are so amazing I was in shock. Afterwards we went out to this cute little restaurant downtown and I had Shnitzel for the first time ever. It was probably one of the most amazing things I have ever tasted.

Alright so I also realized that I seriously need to start loosing weight. People who read that probably just rolled there eyes if they knew me. Im not fat I know that, but I am chunky expecially for my height. Not gunna lie, i cover it well (thats my compliment to myself today). But everytime i change i look in the mirror and im like. Ew. So I keep thinking that once I move I will have less things to do so I will do more expercise. Hopefully thats right. I guess we'll see.

Its just over a month until the big move so I am getting a little sad already. It brings down my mood practically every time I think about it. But im still trying to trust God.

Its getting late so i should get ready for bed. Night for now :)

Back in Town.

So I am back home now in my beautiful house with my girls. Andrew met me at the airport which was a real treat and I came home to find yet more beautiful flowers in my room from that amazing boyfriend. I was so happy to see everyone again but catching up with school seems like its an impossible task. I dont think there has been a night since i've been back in which i havent slaved over my work.

Back in BC Tessa (my younger sister) and I went to go look at our new Highschool which would be NDSS (Nanaimo District Secondary School). We figured out our courses and it turns out that I will be graduating in January of next year! I am so incredibly happy. Five months earlier then i had planned goes way beyond my expectations. I figure that way I will be able to work full time after graduation and make enough money for some trips back to Stouffville and also save some money for University.

I just got back from baseball practise. Andrew was also playing a field over which made me smile. I'm getting ready for dinner now. OH which reminds me! So i've started this new diet... with the hope that my body wont be so sick all the time and even better possibly a loss of weight! If i can look amazing in my Graduation Dress next year when i return then that will be an amazing thing. And it had better be worth it because it is so hard! I miss my fats and my sugars but oh well...

Tonite is the Spring Concert at my school. Our choir is singing so im excited for that. Afterwards Andrew and my friends Caleb and Matt are going to hang out for a while. Everytime i hang out with them i get sad though because i know that when it comes time to move i am going to miss them very much. But I guess that i will take the time from God that i have with them now and pray that somewhere in the future we will have more chances. Many more.

The House.

I am learning more and more everyday what makes a house a home. Because its definitally not the walls, furniture and paint colouring. We moved dad's stuff into the new house today. I woke up early this morning and drove the twenty minute drive to 3510 Burton Rd in the cute town of "Jinglepot". Not going to lie, when i heard that named i almost peed myself with laughter. Who in there right mind calls a town Jinglepot? Well than again... who would call a town Stouffville (my original town).

Im looking forward to returning home to Stouffville on Saturday but knowing that my days were seriously numbered to like two months made it kinda depressing. Although the more time i spend at this house the more I like it. Its just missing a few vital things.

My outstanding boyfriend who would make it completely home. With his hugs and kisses and that smile which makes me feel comfertable even in a room full of strangers. My best friend Meredith. Holy crap she would help so much. She can make me laugh when the whole world seems to be trying to make me cry. Shes got to be the most amazing girl i've ever met in my life. And then all my other friggin fantastic friends that make me feel like the world is perfect... even when i know deep inside its not.

But even though I am spending so much time thinking about it I need to continue to remind myself to be thankful to God. This house is truly a blessing and if my God is present here than I guess thats all that should really matter. I pray that He will be ever present here. That hopefully... one day... He will take this ordinary house... and turn it into a home.

Moving To And From.

A combination of exhaustion, lowerback pain, and heavy eye's are currently coursing through my body right now. I've spent the whole day along with Dad and Tessa packing up the apartment in BC and preparing it for the move tomorrow to the new house.

Not going to lie, im actually pretty excited to see what it is going to look like..but im also a little scared. I mean, for something to even come as remotely close to the beauty of the lake house... well it would take a miracle. Not saying that I dont believe that God can perform this miraculous act... but would he?

I sprayed the kitchen down with Spray Nine today and my hands are seriously taking the biggest effect. The smell... probably killed about the majority of the brain cells in my head. If that stuff doesnt kill germs i dont think anything will.

Dad got lonely tonite i guess because i am starting to realize that sooner or later i am going to have to join Him and Tessa in my bed. Not in a creepy molestation kind of way but my dad is pretty weird and had this odd fetish for cuddling. Which is fine I guess, because i like to cuddle. But i generally prefer the arms of my boyfriend... my dad isnt exactly what I had in mind.

I had a strange conversation with Andrew tonite on the phone. I dont know exactly whats happening between us. Things feel so different and i catch myself wondering if this is the way a loving relationship with your boyfriend is suppose to feel. I miss him. Terribly. But how come whenever we speak it feels like neither of us care. He says he does, heck so do I! But saying something and feeling meaning behind the currently meaningless words is another.

Oh well, apperintally this is yet another situation I am going to have to hand over to God again. Although He himself seems distant to me aswell. Maybe he is. But my matress and pillow are calling my name yet again. Hopefully tonite will be a better sleep than the last.

Your Song

Alright, so I wrote this song for my boyfriend Andrew on Valentines Day 2009. We had gotten in an argument for the week prior and Valentines Day was the day we got together. Soooooo to show Him how much I loved him I wrote Him this...

I've been waiting all my life
For someone like you
Someone who would
Get me through these days

Since the first day I saw you
I knew right away
You we're in my heart babe
And its there you will stay

Our love is stronger
Than a raging river
and we can withstand
The test of time

I love you
I Swear its true
I can't wait to spend my life with you
But i will wait as long as it takes
Waiting patiently
In the Fathers arms we'll be
Because I love you

I dont care what people say
I dont care what they think
They say we're to young to know
What loves all about

But if they would just take the time
To look inside our eyes
Than they would realize
That this is love

Our love is stronger
Than a raging river
and we can withstand
The test of time

I love you
I Swear its true
I can't wait to spend my life with you
But i will wait as long as it takes
Waiting patiently
In the Fathers arms we'll be
Because I love you

And our love it is stronger
Than this raging river
and babe we will withstand
This test of time

I love you
I Swear its true
I can't wait to spend my life with you
But i will wait as long as it takes
Waiting patientlyIn the Fathers arms we'll be
Because I love you

Oh yes i do
Thats why i'm waiting here
Because I love you

<3 I love you baby.

Starting over.

I am starting to come to the conclusion that life has become alot more complicated then princes, princess's, castles, and the occational dragon. Because currently my life feels as if I have dragons being thrown at me from all directions.

I knew when I was younger that life wasnt going to be all sunshine and flowers but i mean, whats up with this!? After spenting my whole life at an amazing home in Ontario and now to suddenly have my life tossed into the completely opposite direction.. well its certainly not what I had in mind.

Ok i'm going to re-cap a little bit. My name is Rachel Lee MacMurchy. I was born in 1992 in the Markham Stouffville Hospital and was sent home on the 25th of June. I have lived at home on a beautiful lake since that date and 16 years later I couldnt have ever wanted to be anywhere else. Two weeks before Christmas '09 my parents sat me down aswell as my 3 siblings [ (Nathan, Rebecca -> both older and Tessa -> younger) we are all a year apart].. anyways, we were told that after growing up here, we were going to be moving across the country. Now if any of you reading this are movers out there then you might possibly be rolling your eyes, expecially if you do it often like i know some do. But i have never moved to a new place my entire life. Never had to experience making new friends, learning a new environment, starting over. I had these same friends for year, had a boyfriend who'd i'd loved for 3 and well.. yeah. Now British Columbia was my new destination and i was scared out of my mind.

I wont forget that day though. I couldnt stop crying. I remember going out onto the front driveway and falling into the snow trying not to throw up. Rebecca's friend picked her and I up and dropped me off at my best friend Merediths. I have never cried more in my entire life. While stepping onto her snowy driveway in my pajama's (snot probably running down my face and tears soaking my shirt) I looked into there direction. Meredith stood infront of the garage on the left side and Andrew (my boyfriend) on the right side. They weren't talking to eachother just shuffeling there nervously. I assume they were probably wondering what was wrong after my frantic call that i needed to see them. I stepped out of the car, fell into the snow and they ran to my side. Andrew helped me up and frantically cried then shouted out "f***ing British Columbia!" Meredith started crying, Andrew tried to act strong and I was simply just a mess. I fell asleep holding hands with Meredith that night, hoping, wishing, praying with my whole heart that when i woke up it would all have been a dream.

That dream never came. Five months later im currently in BC moving some of my stuff and looking at this new province which will be the foundation of my new house. I move into that house on Wednesday but not to stay. In a weeks time im returning home to Toronto where i will finish the year off at my school, pack up my life and and start my grade 12 year at my new school, at my new house... Its not been an easy couple of my months, actually they have actually been the most difficult ones that i have ever had to experiance. Throughout this time my faith has been shaken, my heart has been breaking but my life is still remaining. I know that I will continue to move on in my life trust God that he knows whats best and that he will do with my life what he chooses.

Until then my situation, feelings and thoughts will be posted on my on here hoping and praying that it might help other people who might have situations somewhat like mine will be. Until i write again...