Just Holding On.

So I am basically just holding on. To nothing it feels the like.
Twenty-five days. Thats all I have left down here in Ontario.
The day I leave my friends.
The day I leave my home.
The day I leave my life.
The day I leave my love.
The day...
I start really learning what it means...
to trust God.

Yours Forever More.

I've always found a way to push you to the side

Never wanted to ask you for help

Just always blamed you for every little thing

After every thing I've gone through and all the times I tried to die

I never wanted to ask for helpI always just blamed you never asked for forgiveness

Never wanted anything but to be wholeAnd all I had to do was ask you

Ask you to make me whole

To fix me completely

And now God I just hope its not to late

Not to late to ask will you take meTake me back and this time forever

Not just for a little while but for good

Take my heart and soul

Cause I want to be forever yours

You always have your arms wide open

You know the deepest thoughts of me

Know where I am in life

And God its not that pretty

That's why I need you to help me

I'm asking you tonight

Will you take me back

Take me back in your arms forever

Cause I can't do it aloneAnd Satan has gotten to me

Gotten to me so many timesSick and tired of him

Making me think that I'm in pain forever

Cause God with you I'm forever in happiness

Sick and tired of Satan pulling me under

Pulling me to the deepest darkest hole

Where all I wanted to do was die

Crawl up in a ball and cry myself a river

And he made me believe that cutting was my addiction

Cause God you should be that addiction and not harming myself

You are the hope inside of me and God I pushed you awayI'm asking you here tonight

God please will you take me back and I know you will

But I want to stayI'm forever yours forever and always

And I know I'm here for a reasonI'm not a quitter

I'm not gonna let Satan make me lose

Cause I hate losingI've turned my back on you a million times

And you still take me back anywaysT

he love and patience you have is indescribable

Incredible its incredible what you do

And forever and always I'm glad that I can be yours forever more.

Nothing To Loose.

I still remember it like it was yesturday.The way you stormed into my house and acted as if it was safe..You must have been watching my house for hours counting in my driveway..Moms gone, Dads gone, Brother and Sisters have left.You knew I was alone, you knew you could find a way inside.I remember humming to myself the tune to this romance.

I'd finally thought it was over.. between me and you.Actually there was NEVER a me and you..I told you that,Did you think i was kidding!?I thought i'd be afraid when i saw you standing there in the dark.You stared at me so longingly.. the fire in your sinful eyes flared.I could see you, eyeing me up and down.Why wasnt i afraid? When i knew you werent suppose to be there. I didnt scream when you pushed me against the wall.Flattening me with your body.Nor did i cry out when you held my wrists tightly above my head.The blow to my stomach didnt hurt half as bad as the kiss.There was no love in the way your lips touched mine. You wanted me that was all. Every piece of me you threatened with your dirty filthy hands.All i could think was please God not again!I tried my best to push you away to unlock your lips from mine...Why did you have to be so strong.

You laughed in my face when you felt my body trembling.I tried so hard not to cry.. to not show you how much you were hurting me.When i screamed out for help you laughed again..but when i cried out for **HIS** name.. you stopped.For only a moment but i felt your body freeze.I knew that you hated him.. knew you wanted to kill him.Well he wanted to kill you to.. for hurting me the way you were.If he only knew, knew how bad it was.If i could only tell him how often you had come... how much you had stolen from me. You screamed at me to tell you his name..I loved him. I wouldnt allow you to hurt him.

Did you think i was stupid!?HE had my heart what more could YOU take from me?You told me to forget him, said that i was YOURS alone.I glared at you, "NEVER!"So again you hit me.. this time hard across my face.I could feel the hand print and knew that it would bruise.It hurt so bad.. i couldnt hold in the tears. As i cried I fell to the floor and you allowed my body to fall..I knew it made you happy when i was down by your feet.

You thought that was where i belonged.For one second i thought i could do it...Thought that maybe if i pulled on your leg hard enough you would fall also.I tried my best but your weight and balance overpowered mine.You kicked me hard in the stomach it took all i had to hold the blood down from my mouth.

With one last kiss you kissed my cold lips, i fought you no more.As you left you screamed out to me, "If he loved you...where is your protector now?"And with that you left..thinking you took another piece of me with you.

Well you were wrong.Maybe he wasnt here to protect me...but i know he would NEVER hurt me.Maybe he wasnt the one who got to kiss meBut if he did... does it hurt to know i'd kiss HIM back? You are nothing. You are scum. Im afraid of you no longer. You've taken parts of me but this time its the end. You no longer hold my heart in your hands.

I'm Moving On.

No matter how many times I sit at this window..I know that whether I am here or not..

The sun will continue to rise and set..with or without my persuation.I wonder if at the beginning of time,my fragile almost glassy like lake was here or not.Or whether in the very end it will still be in existance.

People come... people go...still i sit here watching this frozen picture,through my glass window.There are people around me, yet their voices are at yet a distant world...far from my own.The snow sparkles and glistens under the stillness of the sun.The sky blue and snow white atmosphere surrounds me,and yet I can think of nothing but the days to come.The fire red bird comes back and fourth...He has found security in what is my home.What... "was" my home.

What is home anymore?They say its where family is.Well my family consists of more than just blood realitives. But neither them, nor my blood family is here..So i sit alone. Looking at this lonely world before me,love seems to almost have disappeared from this place,yet something holds me back.This non-existant rope tied around my throat... keeps me hanging,keeps me stationed here.

But like all things, it must come to an end.I know however that my God has a plan.And he will cut my rope from this place..He will take away the ache and seperate my heart from here.After the rope has been cut I will fall..and fall....and fall...as I look back, this house, this lake will still be here.Except with someone elses future.Not mine in its midst.

My journey... my destiny lies far from this place.And I will pick up my sword and my shield.And I will follow my King... to the end. I will follow Him and do what He asks.I will be a hope in this new land.I will shine as bright as I can...and watch as these angels fly before me.I will not be afraid... for I know my King is Undefeatable.He will strike down these earthly Kings with but a whisper.And me and my family...me and my friends...me and my people...will Finally fly home.

You.

You see the thing about love is it catches you off guard. I met a boy and he has taken my heart and put it between his hands. He has taken it and molded it into something I never thought it could be. A shape, I never new existed. A hope I never thought I'd find. A life I never thought I'd live.

Truth be told, I dont know who I would be without Him. I dont know where I would be or what I would be doing. He has flung himself into my life without secrecy. He was not quiet about it nor did he try to hide it. He simply ran in, picked me up in His arms and literally swept me off my feet.

I thought love was dead.

I thought chivalry was a joke.

I thought passion had disappeared.

I thought life was a game.

I thought I was a pawn.

I thought my heart was broken.

I thought you we're a liar.

I thought beauty was a trick.

I thought hope was overrated.

I thought you were impossible.

You arent. Your real standing infront of me prooving that love is alive. And chivalry is anything but a joke. Passion is truth and life is an amazing oppertunity. I am Queen and my heart is strong and alive. You told me the truth, you showed me what the definition of hope was and you showed me that you were simply real. And that has been and will always be more than enough for me.

I love you with all my heart. It overwhelms me, it captivates me, but most of all it allows me to realize that I just "am". God has given me a miracle and that miracle has changed my life forever. Before I met you my eyes were open but they were still blind. How could you have done what you have done. Taken away my fear and showed me life in all its glory, all its splender, all its majesty.

Andrew my love, you are all I have asked for and more. You understand me even when I dont understand myself. You forgive me and challenge me. You never underestimate me and God has granted me the one prayer I have prayed for my entire life. You.

Another Day.

Another day, another dime. Not.

I am so broke it is becoming rediculous. How in the world am I ever going to get the money to come home and visit on vacations! I was suppose to go in today to train at the Ice cream store where Tessa works, just so that I can have a bit of cash before i leave. But then I couldnt because I had play practise. Which I have had every day this week and I am so bloody exhausted.

My last play at Stouffville High. Wow, this move is really starting to hit me. I love acting expecially with the people i care about. I cant imagine acting next year and feeling as comfertable as i do right now... with a bunch of strangers.

Yesturday was Mothers Day and my sisters and my mother and I went down to a church in Toronto called The Peoples Church. One of my moms friends was speaking there (her husband is the pastor) honestly the service was one of the best that i'd heard in a long time. The mentally ill group at the church has a choir that is called The New Revolution Choir. And they sung live and it was the sweetest most beautiful thing I have ever seen. These people are so amazing I was in shock. Afterwards we went out to this cute little restaurant downtown and I had Shnitzel for the first time ever. It was probably one of the most amazing things I have ever tasted.

Alright so I also realized that I seriously need to start loosing weight. People who read that probably just rolled there eyes if they knew me. Im not fat I know that, but I am chunky expecially for my height. Not gunna lie, i cover it well (thats my compliment to myself today). But everytime i change i look in the mirror and im like. Ew. So I keep thinking that once I move I will have less things to do so I will do more expercise. Hopefully thats right. I guess we'll see.

Its just over a month until the big move so I am getting a little sad already. It brings down my mood practically every time I think about it. But im still trying to trust God.

Its getting late so i should get ready for bed. Night for now :)

Back in Town.

So I am back home now in my beautiful house with my girls. Andrew met me at the airport which was a real treat and I came home to find yet more beautiful flowers in my room from that amazing boyfriend. I was so happy to see everyone again but catching up with school seems like its an impossible task. I dont think there has been a night since i've been back in which i havent slaved over my work.

Back in BC Tessa (my younger sister) and I went to go look at our new Highschool which would be NDSS (Nanaimo District Secondary School). We figured out our courses and it turns out that I will be graduating in January of next year! I am so incredibly happy. Five months earlier then i had planned goes way beyond my expectations. I figure that way I will be able to work full time after graduation and make enough money for some trips back to Stouffville and also save some money for University.

I just got back from baseball practise. Andrew was also playing a field over which made me smile. I'm getting ready for dinner now. OH which reminds me! So i've started this new diet... with the hope that my body wont be so sick all the time and even better possibly a loss of weight! If i can look amazing in my Graduation Dress next year when i return then that will be an amazing thing. And it had better be worth it because it is so hard! I miss my fats and my sugars but oh well...

Tonite is the Spring Concert at my school. Our choir is singing so im excited for that. Afterwards Andrew and my friends Caleb and Matt are going to hang out for a while. Everytime i hang out with them i get sad though because i know that when it comes time to move i am going to miss them very much. But I guess that i will take the time from God that i have with them now and pray that somewhere in the future we will have more chances. Many more.